the dog days AREN'T over...

so yay! i went to evil disability court with a real federal judge, sitting up high on the cliched scary platform, sat white knuckled kneed and ankled in fear, and answered all the questions as best as i could...after my lawyer (who doesn't get a dime unless he wins our case!) scared the living hell out of me, telling me that "loose lips sink ships" about thirty times. after that and the judging, complete with the lady typing up everything, my lawyer and this guy who i knew nothing about being the educational and vocational specialist. HE ended up being the one who, after being asked if there would be a job i could do given my physical and mental issues, my medication such as morphine daily that clouds my thinking, etc. etc. blah damn blah, said "NO!" thank god for whoever the heck that guy was. i feel like i should send him a thank you note, a case of beer, or a muffin basket.

so two weeks after, we find out i did get it, and now, when i should be happy, and i am, but i'm not. i woke up this morning freaking out with a feeling of finality of my life. this is my life??? this is the gritty not witty life now? i'm free to not work, to not add or subtract anything really into this world of ours? really? i don't know how to feel about any of this. yay-thank god money will be coming in and going to my parents to pay for insurance, medication, food, etc., but other than that i feel like (as ryan adams the singer/songwriter says) a scratched out name. ok, wittygritty is scratched off as a girl that can now add something to humanity. and she gets paid for it so to speak. what the frak?

thanksgiving is upon us, and right now other than the usual thankful for family, and for my dear adorable liz, who writes me and makes me laugh, and my fibro friends and normal friends on facebook, i'm mainly thankful that i have music, like the lovely "florence and the machine" i am listening to now, or "mumford and sons", and the other new fantastic folk music i'm digging lately. is that shallow? i've been a crap pen pal friend lately. i've been a decent human being in that i didn't check out. that counts, right?

i'm thankful that even though i had non-stop ringing in my ears, i only had moderate hearing loss as i found out from the hearing center. that hurt-fibromyalgia took part of my hearing and left ringing-idiot fibro. hit me where it hurts man! i'm thankful the polyp taken out of my colon wasn't cancerous. i'm thankful during the procedure they agreed to put me totally under. i'm thankful that zoe the cat made it to her 15th birthday, and though she has lost half her body weight, she only has a bad thyroid, which requires me dodging sharp lethal teeth and half throwing-half pushing a pill down her throat, then waiting to see if she actually swallowed and didn't hide it under her tongue to spit out later. i'm thankful i have chai bunny-who keeps me full of joy, her need for petting and needing me to lick and chin me marking me as hers. i'm so thankful for my open mind. i've meet a lot of very closed minded people this year, and thank god i got them out of my life...and i hate confrontation! i was able to do it as nicely as possible... : 0

thanks for reading this-if anyone does. xoxoxo, wittygrittyinvisible marnie

so far out of the box i'm back in it.

i have an account on flickr-using the same name as here, and as i see all the wonderful outdoor shots, i am so full of grief. i used to take cook, quirky, sad, pattern pictures, etc. and now, well, being indoors or at the doctor's office is just not the same. it forces me to be so much more creative as in the past i would see something and was just captivated by it and captured it-and now-unless it is chai bunny or zoe the cat, i have to push myself into setting up specific things or sets. i have to admit that when i am in the worst pain, i usually will do a "photo shoot" and try to work through the pain. i just get frustrated with the lack of subject matter i guess.

i have a box full of all my pictures, minus a few that are packed in the garage or only have the negatives. i can't bear to look back at them now, as i have been in such a dark place that i just can't risk the sadness at this point. it is 5:08 AM and i have a neurologist appt. this afternoon-yay-and get nerve block shots. i need to go to sleep, so i'll close. i feel like i write but have absolutely nothing of worth to say. is any of this relevant? does anyone really want to read my thoughts? ok, that is egotistical. i should know that the world does not revolve around me...i could be in much more dire straits than i am now. so that's it...more later. xxxxx wgigirl

gaeta's lament

so i sit here listening to the 2009 "battlestar galactica" soundtrack-and the first song, actually sung by the actor who is playing the character who is singing the song-felix gaeta, is just forever one of my favorites. the soundtrack is so rich and textured and fantastic-maybe not for someone who isn't a follower or fan, but certain songs are so great they easily stand alone.

to follow that last sentence, i also feel i am standing alone. had a long talk with dad last night, who basically had said that the pain was in my head a few days ago. i did some stupid things and ended up with a terrible headache. i'm in the middle of a fibromyalgia flare, and my neurologist suddenly left town for a month, so being without my normal nerve block shots is killing me. i feel so lost, so sad, so lonely-and have no clue where or how to go from here. all i know is that a dear friend i met on flickr told me to just write, write, write. she knows i'm too sad to just write the book i had planned to write-the funny one from real experiences from my past, and she and another flickr artist suggested i mix my journey from where i am now to that funny past. mix the witty and the gritty i was told-makes sense! just like the series of the newer battlestar galactica i so love, it is so gritty and deep and endless and on a path to nowhere. their series took 4 years-i've been here three-is this the year the plan gets revealed? is this the year i start to get a sense of where the hell i'm supposed to go? what i am supposed to do? cos right now i'm not even existing. i'm a dirty, ugly, painful shell of the person i once was-and who i still am-and how to those two coexist? that is why i so identify with the character of boomer (played by the gorgeous grace park) who is two people in one. so lost yet so determined to get somewhere.

i sleep, take meds, watch tv and movies, listen to music, and get endless joy from my rabbit and cat, yet grieve daily for things that i've lost and found. dad says i can't swell on the past, and i demand i'm not-i still have the fucking right to grieve for things i haven't yet. i wasn't able to fully grieve when i had to move here for all the things that i had lost-and was going to lose. i have had to slowly take in all the things that left, that fell away, a few big things that slipped through my fingers like water even though i held on to them as if they were the strongest of ropes. were they water and i just thought that they were the rope i was wanting to see? "tears stream down your face, as you lose something you cannot replace"...that refrain from coldplay's song "fix you" is so simple yet so not-i've lost so much, yet somehow still fight to hold on, and i wonder why. why do i hold on to something i don't know-that i hate-that i don't trust-that is beyond anything i could imagine, but is so so so familiar?

the day after christmas

so here i am, the day after christmas. yesterday was ok, just me my mom and dad-and the cats and chai bunny. i got pj's-as i don't get out and wear "real" clothes. half didn't fit. some too big, some too small. i also got boxes of tea-which is good, but doesn't that count as groceries??? anyway, glad to have it over. as i don't have an income, but made those angels for dad's work, i got other members of my family gifts with the $30 i made-i always loved buying things for people at christmas MUCH MORE than getting gifts-for me it was like a journey-or a quest. to find the perfect gift for the specific person was so much fun for me-and i haven't been able to do that for any holiday for 3 years now, so at least i got to get a little something for a few family members.

i won't lie-it has been a really tough, depressing holiday season. one branch of my family is moving far, far away, and since i can't travel, i fear i won't see them but maybe every two years or so. all of my siblings are married and have kids, and i feel i'm really just not doing much at all, and in the typical world standards, not being married-not having dated in four years-am i a disappointment? i don't know. christmas eve my neurologist/pain management dr. called and for the 2nd time in 5 and a half months, he will be gone for a month...which means my jan. 7th appt. to get nerve block shots is off-and those shots help me walk, have less pain, etc. so it wasn't a happy way to start new year's eve. my body is already hurting, and ready for the new shots, and now i'll have to wait until february. i feel so betrayed. he doesn't have a partner is his practice-so i'm just screwed. i didn't hear from my best friend-haven't since the summer. he can't deal with me being the "me" i am now, and he is still living overseas traveling to different countries all the time, so i just don't fit in to his plans anymore. it hurts. i hate feeling left behind.

last night i had to move a big tub of my bunny's food, as my dad had put it up so he could vacuum and clean the house-so now my back and shoulders are just aching-and the morphine doesn't even begin to help. i don't get it. i'll take a muscle relaxant-i'm supposed to take 5 a day, but they make me sleepy-and unless i sleep sitting up, it makes my back hurt worse...so what the hell are my choices really? all i can do is cry and try to escape inside my ipod.

that's about it. my brother and his wife and her son get in tonight-here is hoping that alcohol is given to me when they get here. he usually brings me beer as i never get anything like that anymore. well, a girl can dream, no? xxx wittygrittyinvisiblegirl

i'm sick of making angels...

december 16, 2009

so i have made about 300 angels-and though i am super happy to help do something of worth for my parents, i have had my fill of angel shaped weird paper clips, have taken a jillion pictures of arty silver beads (angel heads) and shaking them to make kinetic cool pics. i got old navy's "jingle jammies" (thermal red henley shirt and santa pj pants) and wore them today. yay. i do love all things pj-but damn-being stuck in the house and only wearing pjs (and super extra big ones at that just SUCKS...i actually dreamed twice in the past few nights of putting on a cute outfit, putting on and buying fun makeup-which i can't wear-lovely fibromyalgia has made my skin such (in combination with the medicine i'm on) that wearing makeup just mucks up my sensitive reactions-like those to lights/noises/scents like my mom's hairspray, etc. my word-yesterday i could smell her hairspray-and she isn't one that ruins the ozone layer-she uses just a bit and it used to smell nice to me but dammmmmmmmnnnnit, no more-i can smell it up in my room, with door shut-just through i guess the vents and where chai bunny has eaten the carpet under my bedroom door down to the subflooring. shit.

i got the film "fur" tonight on a recommendation from a good friend today from netflix-and i watched a bit of it, and an hbo thing on the dvd about what the story is about-and i am super excited. i'm in too much pain right now to do much, and tried to watch but couldn't focus enough to pay the attention it deserves...so amy b. r...i will absolutely let you know what i think! just watching the small bit i did made me think "hmm...i think that this will really change/impact my life and my wish to be a writer/artist somehow". let's hope it does! hey-that is what this blogging is all about, right??? i mean, i just haven't been able to write my book about my essays of hilarious true things from my past as i just dissolve at the fact that i am NOT THERE ANYMORE, and so i figured that if i could start off dealing with the demons of chronic illness, fibromyalgia, and the other painful illnesses i have, that is a good start, and hopefully the book writing will come. my dream is to become the female david sedaris. hell, if i even got a book like one of his published or even written, i'd be thrilled.

chai bunny has just hopped up to my bed-but not before thumping to warn me of his arrival. she is licking me, my face, my sweater, etc. showing me love-ahh-the love of a pet-and at that-a drama queen bunny! and off she goes, to eat, play with her stuffed but real to her animals, and to dream of whatever bunnies dream of. i'm including in this some photo booth pics of me (or i'll pick one) of me in my santa pants and santa hat-but feeling the pain and sadness that dwell in me 99% of the time, and one of me the crazy angel maker...and maybe one of chai the nutty bunny. xxx, witty gritty invisible girl

December 13, 2009

I haven't been doing much lately but sleeping and helping my dad (and the business he works for) make these paper clippy angels. I've had shingles, which I first got about 20 years ago-wow, the way I mark milestones...I can't believe that Christmas is a little over a week away. I got paid like $10 for helping with the angels, so I was able to order cheap but cool gifts for my parents tonight on www.etsy.com. I adore that site-they have the coolest stuff and you can find anything! I used to love Christmas so much because I absolutely delighted in finding the coolest, best, just tailor made gift for each person, and for the last three years I haven't been able to buy gifts for any occasions-the holidays, birthdays, Mother's or Father's days, etc. It kills me-I used to always go over budget getting gifts for my siblings, nieces, friends, etc. and now-I can't ever buy a card. I had to tell my mom I was ordering gifts and ask for her credit card so I could even order the stuff. I feel like I'm 13!

Since my nerve block shots last Monday, they have really helped in those specific areas, so yay. Some other news that is good but for me very hard and bittersweet to swallow has caused a lot of stress, which I think brought on the stupid shingles. And the news is about a relative-and I'm thrilled for them-but sad on many levels. I can't explain why until they announce it-so until them, mum is the damn word.

I feel so alone this year-losing two close friends due to me being sick really hurt, and it being the 3rd year I've been here somehow seems so much longer than 2 years. Not to be negative, but I see no huge treatment options that will suddenly change the fact that I will probably be with my parents for a good while longer. I'm lonely. I'm depressed. I miss going out with friends; dating; a first kiss with someone; having a crush; even just going shopping. I'm so lucky to have good doctors, clean water, all that stuff, but at times the loneliness overwhelms me and the holiday commercials just make it worse. I want to just lock myself in a room with commercial free TV, Netflix, Chai the bunny and Zoe the cat.

To those of you reading-if anyone is-happy holidays-and I wish you the complete opposite of every feeling I feel right now! I hate to be a scrooge for anyone else's holidays. xxx, witty gritty invisible girl

December 10, 2009

So last night was tough. I had so much nervous energy that I kept pulling out loose strings from my favorite Indonesian blanket and since it is over ten years old, it has started getting holes in it. I was watching the final episodes of the 2009 series finale of "Battlestar Galactica", and cried so much Chai the house rabbit started thumping and hiding under my bed. It may seem just ridiculous, but for me lately, many things seem to be ending. I've lost several friendships this year-one in particular the day before Thanksgiving-was crushing as I'm just not the same girl I used to be...I can't go traveling all over the world anymore-hell, I can't go out of the house hardly anymore unless it is to a doctors' appt. or something. My world seems to revolve around doctors, illnesses, morphine, pain, sleeplessness, TV, internet, flickr, facebook, Netflix, my cat and rabbit, and living under my parents' roof when I am much too old to be doing so. Mom and I seem to fight about nothing, dad seems to be losing his memory due to stress, and I live in constant guilt for putting them through the hell of caring for me. I try so hard to still retain some of the old me-sarcastic humor, laughing at completely inappropriate things, dreaming of the future, etc. etc. etc., but during the holdiays it becomes a lot harder to do. For many like me it is the same-to be in pain all the time-to not be able to do much or anything in a world where you see holiday shopping and all that-and I don't have any income to even buy anyone I love gifts, it just sucks. As "Battlestar" would say, it frakking sucks. Man I am a downer. One funny thing-I got my first Christmas card yesterday-a card just sent to me-not to my parents and my name tacked on at the end-and I was waiting to open it-I just wanted to hold a piece of holiday surprise a bit longer-and Chai bunny (while I was sleeping) got the envelope and chewed open the end like a little letter opener...so I got to read it when I woke up around 3 PM. Here are a couple of pics from last night and this afternoon...more soon, the witty gritty invisible girl. xxx