cigar box purse!

i found this awesome purse made out of all recycled things-a cigar box, faux fur on the inside, and striped black and white grosgrain ribbon fastened on as the strap. i found it on Etsy and got it as an early christmas gift-it came today and i absolutely love it-so much work was put in for such a small price. also, it isn't too big so i can't stuff too much in and hurt myself by carrying too many heavy things...so yay all around!

Testing, testing

As I'm just learning this new app, I just need to do a test. Please excuse yet enjoy

Sci-fi lessons

While watching a recent episode on TNT's new show, Falling Skies, it is the main character's son's birthday. Under the new world order they find themselves in, a group of strangers finding him a cupcake, improvised candle, & old beaten up skateboard is nothing short of a small miracle. It's almost time to move on to safer ground, & as the son has a few minutes to ride his gift, the strangers all take that minute to collectively forget the hell they're living in & enjoy the pure joy on the kid's face. I find fibromyalgia (or any chronic pain illness) like that. Under this new world I find myself now not only living in it but also becoming the mayor of a tough gig. I didn't want this, don't remember signing up for the election, but I'm here. Surviving. Trying so hard to get through the night & face that cliched next morning. I have found that letting the little things-even so tiny that non-sick people wouldn't notice-I take those tiny things as a huge gift. I collectively try & let go, & watch myself soak in the moment.



The iTunes festival all month, which magically brings concerts to me

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Location:Home

Fibromyalgia, I am constantly fighting you. I take loads of medicines, & they don't work. The pain killers I take have lost their helpful edge. The ice packs I use daily, hourly, cannot keep the inflammation at bay. My neurologist monthly as he does a live x-ray of my back, shoulders, neck, spine, etc is stunned that the injections he gives me don't keep the inflammation away for more than a few days. I fight & undergo painful spinal injections, & every 3 months ungodly painful radio frequency ablation. I do all this, plus gain weight from the medicines & injections, to fight you. You sit in amusement, laughing at our bumbling attempts to fight. You are exquisite in your own way. You mimic other diseases, embarrass your victims when their doctors & pharmacists think they are just drug seeking, wanting pity, or hypochondriacs. You are a puzzle I doubt will ever be solved, as you spread your symptoms in so many different areas...muscular, auto-immune, neurology, rheumatology, & countless others. Everyone seems to be looking at one area instead of them all. I'm so tired of fighting. Putting on a happy face then crying in private. Missing family gatherings, job offers, even just going to dinner or a movie. I want revenge-not just for me but all of my friends who you have claimed as your own. & now, I must get ready to go see the neurologist. To get 2-4 injections where the swelling & bone spurs are the worst. I have to tell him about an embarrassing symptom that has come back in a new way, & cry as people stare in the waiting room as just sitting in the chairs there cause such pain.



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Bunny flop

Rabbits, whether in your house or in the wild, will in complete abandon flop on their side next to another rabbit, or in this case, a bunny slipper I used to wear. Chai bunny, my dear sweet bunny, when she knows she is totally safe will hop in a circle around the stuffed rabbit of her affection & then after licking it will flop on her side, sometimes so hard she ends up on her back with her paws up until gravity pulls her back down. Without a care in the world she will lie there, licking away at the bunny before she finally gets on her stomach & goes to sleep.



I can only dream of a day that with no worries, no or little pain, I can flop with complete abandon, & lick, kiss, or hug my substitute for a stuffed bunny love & fall asleep knowing I am totally safe.



Things I'm digging this week:
*Catching up on 'True Blood' season 3
*The gorgeous hydrangeas in our yard

Things I'd like to take a shovel to...
*Insurance not covering crucial meds for my bone loss
*Droughts...I hate when it doesn't rain for much too long

Seed me:
*I really want to learn to play chess

Randomly
*I can't wait for tonight-'The Killing' & then 'Game of Thrones'

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Location:My room watching the floor

Technology & dreamland

My dad & I had a discussion about how the power of technology was scary to him...the amount of power it wielded. I understood his points, but then I told him what technology had done for me in the past 24 hours. I had been stranded in a snowy mountain inn, & survived. I was in the middle of the desert & saw what stars really looked like without a town around. I had zip lined, jumped over walls & objects in a game called 'Mirror's Edge', & had run faster & more purely than my own body has been able to do in at least a decade. He had seen me earlier, in so much pain it hurt to breathe. I was getting ice packs, & later, having this conversation, I told him that minus the ice & pain meds, technology was able to take my focus from the pain to the places mentioned above. He then honestly confessed he had never thought of it that way.




All of us dream, but many don't remember our dreams. I would pay anything I had to not remember the hellish things I dream about. My neurologist tells me that they are stress & anxiety dreams. All I know is that at times, Chai bunny will thump to wake me up as I am talking, crying, even half-screaming in my sleep. Tonight I dreamed I had come 'home' & found my cat, who has been dead now since February 1st, dead inside a snake's stomach, & it was my fault because somehow I had not been home in time to care for them, & that my other pets I had in this dream were either starving, without water or food or were also being eaten in front of my eyes by snakes...unless they were already withered up & dead. In the dream I was trying to pull out my live pets out of the snake's mouth, while trying to not get bitten, not for my own safety but so that I could rescue them all & get them to food, water, & safety. I know that this is coming from 1-my fear of what will happen to me or 2-that my life & health are so out of control that I'm drowning.



I hate going to sleep now. I can't remember the last time I haven't remembered my dreams or had a normal one. If I don't sleep my fibromyalgia gets worse, but if I do, well, you have an example of what happens. I'm so thankful that after I do wake up, I can grab my iPad & try to just melt away, into some game's life or a gripping movie that promises not to let go of me.

Things I'm digging:
*Sales on games to give all my abandon to on a holiday weekend
*All those who gave or are giving their lives in the military...my pain is nothing in comparison

Things I'd like to take a shovel to:
*Fear, stress, & that whole lot

Seed me:
*Can't wait to catch up on my civil war app, & really get a day by day account

Randomly
*Who doesn't love holiday TV marathons? Please let me find some good ones




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Location:Bed

Bows, bunnies, & bagged ice

After having a really rough few hours with mind melding pain, I turned to ice for help...


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While I was crying & upset, Chai bunny stayed close by cuddling with her stuffed friends : )




Trying to keep my mind off the pain, I listened to an amazing album & there was a great song about bows that I fell in love with, & was quite pleased to find a tiny bow on my pjs (I'm normally not at all a bow type girl)




After hearing 3 more CDs, I started watching 'The Town'. Nothing like violence & bloodshed to take your focus off the pain! Ah, just a normal Tuesday morning for me & Chai bunny.


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Location:Bed

Steampunked

I recently became aware that I had been in love with a genre, a subculture if you will, but never knew it had a name or that others liked it as well. I love all things steampunk...for me it's the industrial look-full of gears, valves, tubes & cogs mixed with the Victorian age & Dr. Suess. Imagine a hot-air balloon airship driven by Chitty Chitty Bang Bang & Dr. Who.

In researching all the cool clubs, pics, etc, it occurred to me that sadly I lack steam. My steam is mixed with a messed up immune system. Half my cogs are bent & broken, & my springs are sprung. I have way too many wheels but am very deficient in screws : ). Instead of being a Model T car, I'm a Model S...sick, sad, steam-less, shitty, & screwed. & yes, I have to admit that all the hard times have made me a stronger person, but I can no longer deny I'd give up some strength for some sanity.

I've been away from blogging, posting my photographs, writing letters, etc for months now. Determining that I can't fade away into that cliched random night, I'm trying. Really really really trying to surface. My cat Zoe died in February, & while I just can't talk about it now, after her being in my life for 15 years, stateside & overseas, to say I've been depressed is the biggest freaking understatement. I've been sitting at the bottom of the ocean watching anchors, life jackets, & rafts pass by without beginning to care. The sharks that started circling looked like heaven. Needless to say there have been a few other significant events that had me in this undersea world which we will discuss some other time, as I have determined I can't let this damn disease/condition/syndrome win. I am becoming an angry bird & the green pig villains in the game stand for fibromyalgia. Damn pigs didn't take my eggs...they took my life. As I'm in pain anyway, I might as well fling myself in the catapult & tear fibro's house down. Want to join? Good ; )

Now for a new feature in my blogging adventure-

Things I'm digging right now:

*My new nephew Charlie, born May 10th.
*The band Wye Oak & their new album, Civilian. Amazing!
*New tv show on AMC, 'The Killing'. Fantastic stuff.

Things I'd like to take a shovel to...(& swing batter!)

*The music festival on the beach last weekend I had to miss. Grrr. I'm greener than green's envy I couldn't go.
*The black widow spider that bit my neurologist in the face last week! Thank God he's ok.
*All the horrific loss of life & damage from tornados this past month. : ...(

Seed me:

*Find & try a rhubarb pie. Never had it; really want to sample!
*Write AT LEAST one letter this week. Must do no excuses.
*Keep writing & posting. No more ocean bottom dwelling.

Randomly:

*The app featured collection Thursday's are like crack for me.
*My house rabbit, Chai bunny, is indeed a rock star.
*I would marry Netflix if it was legal. I would wear a wedding dress made entirely out of the red Netflix paper wrappers. Oh joy...









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