December 10, 2009

So last night was tough. I had so much nervous energy that I kept pulling out loose strings from my favorite Indonesian blanket and since it is over ten years old, it has started getting holes in it. I was watching the final episodes of the 2009 series finale of "Battlestar Galactica", and cried so much Chai the house rabbit started thumping and hiding under my bed. It may seem just ridiculous, but for me lately, many things seem to be ending. I've lost several friendships this year-one in particular the day before Thanksgiving-was crushing as I'm just not the same girl I used to be...I can't go traveling all over the world anymore-hell, I can't go out of the house hardly anymore unless it is to a doctors' appt. or something. My world seems to revolve around doctors, illnesses, morphine, pain, sleeplessness, TV, internet, flickr, facebook, Netflix, my cat and rabbit, and living under my parents' roof when I am much too old to be doing so. Mom and I seem to fight about nothing, dad seems to be losing his memory due to stress, and I live in constant guilt for putting them through the hell of caring for me. I try so hard to still retain some of the old me-sarcastic humor, laughing at completely inappropriate things, dreaming of the future, etc. etc. etc., but during the holdiays it becomes a lot harder to do. For many like me it is the same-to be in pain all the time-to not be able to do much or anything in a world where you see holiday shopping and all that-and I don't have any income to even buy anyone I love gifts, it just sucks. As "Battlestar" would say, it frakking sucks. Man I am a downer. One funny thing-I got my first Christmas card yesterday-a card just sent to me-not to my parents and my name tacked on at the end-and I was waiting to open it-I just wanted to hold a piece of holiday surprise a bit longer-and Chai bunny (while I was sleeping) got the envelope and chewed open the end like a little letter opener...so I got to read it when I woke up around 3 PM. Here are a couple of pics from last night and this afternoon...more soon, the witty gritty invisible girl. xxx