so here i am, the day after christmas. yesterday was ok, just me my mom and dad-and the cats and chai bunny. i got pj's-as i don't get out and wear "real" clothes. half didn't fit. some too big, some too small. i also got boxes of tea-which is good, but doesn't that count as groceries??? anyway, glad to have it over. as i don't have an income, but made those angels for dad's work, i got other members of my family gifts with the $30 i made-i always loved buying things for people at christmas MUCH MORE than getting gifts-for me it was like a journey-or a quest. to find the perfect gift for the specific person was so much fun for me-and i haven't been able to do that for any holiday for 3 years now, so at least i got to get a little something for a few family members.
i won't lie-it has been a really tough, depressing holiday season. one branch of my family is moving far, far away, and since i can't travel, i fear i won't see them but maybe every two years or so. all of my siblings are married and have kids, and i feel i'm really just not doing much at all, and in the typical world standards, not being married-not having dated in four years-am i a disappointment? i don't know. christmas eve my neurologist/pain management dr. called and for the 2nd time in 5 and a half months, he will be gone for a month...which means my jan. 7th appt. to get nerve block shots is off-and those shots help me walk, have less pain, etc. so it wasn't a happy way to start new year's eve. my body is already hurting, and ready for the new shots, and now i'll have to wait until february. i feel so betrayed. he doesn't have a partner is his practice-so i'm just screwed. i didn't hear from my best friend-haven't since the summer. he can't deal with me being the "me" i am now, and he is still living overseas traveling to different countries all the time, so i just don't fit in to his plans anymore. it hurts. i hate feeling left behind.
last night i had to move a big tub of my bunny's food, as my dad had put it up so he could vacuum and clean the house-so now my back and shoulders are just aching-and the morphine doesn't even begin to help. i don't get it. i'll take a muscle relaxant-i'm supposed to take 5 a day, but they make me sleepy-and unless i sleep sitting up, it makes my back hurt worse...so what the hell are my choices really? all i can do is cry and try to escape inside my ipod.
that's about it. my brother and his wife and her son get in tonight-here is hoping that alcohol is given to me when they get here. he usually brings me beer as i never get anything like that anymore. well, a girl can dream, no? xxx wittygrittyinvisiblegirl
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