the dog days AREN'T over...

so yay! i went to evil disability court with a real federal judge, sitting up high on the cliched scary platform, sat white knuckled kneed and ankled in fear, and answered all the questions as best as i could...after my lawyer (who doesn't get a dime unless he wins our case!) scared the living hell out of me, telling me that "loose lips sink ships" about thirty times. after that and the judging, complete with the lady typing up everything, my lawyer and this guy who i knew nothing about being the educational and vocational specialist. HE ended up being the one who, after being asked if there would be a job i could do given my physical and mental issues, my medication such as morphine daily that clouds my thinking, etc. etc. blah damn blah, said "NO!" thank god for whoever the heck that guy was. i feel like i should send him a thank you note, a case of beer, or a muffin basket.

so two weeks after, we find out i did get it, and now, when i should be happy, and i am, but i'm not. i woke up this morning freaking out with a feeling of finality of my life. this is my life??? this is the gritty not witty life now? i'm free to not work, to not add or subtract anything really into this world of ours? really? i don't know how to feel about any of this. yay-thank god money will be coming in and going to my parents to pay for insurance, medication, food, etc., but other than that i feel like (as ryan adams the singer/songwriter says) a scratched out name. ok, wittygritty is scratched off as a girl that can now add something to humanity. and she gets paid for it so to speak. what the frak?

thanksgiving is upon us, and right now other than the usual thankful for family, and for my dear adorable liz, who writes me and makes me laugh, and my fibro friends and normal friends on facebook, i'm mainly thankful that i have music, like the lovely "florence and the machine" i am listening to now, or "mumford and sons", and the other new fantastic folk music i'm digging lately. is that shallow? i've been a crap pen pal friend lately. i've been a decent human being in that i didn't check out. that counts, right?

i'm thankful that even though i had non-stop ringing in my ears, i only had moderate hearing loss as i found out from the hearing center. that hurt-fibromyalgia took part of my hearing and left ringing-idiot fibro. hit me where it hurts man! i'm thankful the polyp taken out of my colon wasn't cancerous. i'm thankful during the procedure they agreed to put me totally under. i'm thankful that zoe the cat made it to her 15th birthday, and though she has lost half her body weight, she only has a bad thyroid, which requires me dodging sharp lethal teeth and half throwing-half pushing a pill down her throat, then waiting to see if she actually swallowed and didn't hide it under her tongue to spit out later. i'm thankful i have chai bunny-who keeps me full of joy, her need for petting and needing me to lick and chin me marking me as hers. i'm so thankful for my open mind. i've meet a lot of very closed minded people this year, and thank god i got them out of my life...and i hate confrontation! i was able to do it as nicely as possible... : 0

thanks for reading this-if anyone does. xoxoxo, wittygrittyinvisible marnie

so far out of the box i'm back in it.

i have an account on flickr-using the same name as here, and as i see all the wonderful outdoor shots, i am so full of grief. i used to take cook, quirky, sad, pattern pictures, etc. and now, well, being indoors or at the doctor's office is just not the same. it forces me to be so much more creative as in the past i would see something and was just captivated by it and captured it-and now-unless it is chai bunny or zoe the cat, i have to push myself into setting up specific things or sets. i have to admit that when i am in the worst pain, i usually will do a "photo shoot" and try to work through the pain. i just get frustrated with the lack of subject matter i guess.

i have a box full of all my pictures, minus a few that are packed in the garage or only have the negatives. i can't bear to look back at them now, as i have been in such a dark place that i just can't risk the sadness at this point. it is 5:08 AM and i have a neurologist appt. this afternoon-yay-and get nerve block shots. i need to go to sleep, so i'll close. i feel like i write but have absolutely nothing of worth to say. is any of this relevant? does anyone really want to read my thoughts? ok, that is egotistical. i should know that the world does not revolve around me...i could be in much more dire straits than i am now. so that's it...more later. xxxxx wgigirl

gaeta's lament

so i sit here listening to the 2009 "battlestar galactica" soundtrack-and the first song, actually sung by the actor who is playing the character who is singing the song-felix gaeta, is just forever one of my favorites. the soundtrack is so rich and textured and fantastic-maybe not for someone who isn't a follower or fan, but certain songs are so great they easily stand alone.

to follow that last sentence, i also feel i am standing alone. had a long talk with dad last night, who basically had said that the pain was in my head a few days ago. i did some stupid things and ended up with a terrible headache. i'm in the middle of a fibromyalgia flare, and my neurologist suddenly left town for a month, so being without my normal nerve block shots is killing me. i feel so lost, so sad, so lonely-and have no clue where or how to go from here. all i know is that a dear friend i met on flickr told me to just write, write, write. she knows i'm too sad to just write the book i had planned to write-the funny one from real experiences from my past, and she and another flickr artist suggested i mix my journey from where i am now to that funny past. mix the witty and the gritty i was told-makes sense! just like the series of the newer battlestar galactica i so love, it is so gritty and deep and endless and on a path to nowhere. their series took 4 years-i've been here three-is this the year the plan gets revealed? is this the year i start to get a sense of where the hell i'm supposed to go? what i am supposed to do? cos right now i'm not even existing. i'm a dirty, ugly, painful shell of the person i once was-and who i still am-and how to those two coexist? that is why i so identify with the character of boomer (played by the gorgeous grace park) who is two people in one. so lost yet so determined to get somewhere.

i sleep, take meds, watch tv and movies, listen to music, and get endless joy from my rabbit and cat, yet grieve daily for things that i've lost and found. dad says i can't swell on the past, and i demand i'm not-i still have the fucking right to grieve for things i haven't yet. i wasn't able to fully grieve when i had to move here for all the things that i had lost-and was going to lose. i have had to slowly take in all the things that left, that fell away, a few big things that slipped through my fingers like water even though i held on to them as if they were the strongest of ropes. were they water and i just thought that they were the rope i was wanting to see? "tears stream down your face, as you lose something you cannot replace"...that refrain from coldplay's song "fix you" is so simple yet so not-i've lost so much, yet somehow still fight to hold on, and i wonder why. why do i hold on to something i don't know-that i hate-that i don't trust-that is beyond anything i could imagine, but is so so so familiar?