so yay! i went to evil disability court with a real federal judge, sitting up high on the cliched scary platform, sat white knuckled kneed and ankled in fear, and answered all the questions as best as i could...after my lawyer (who doesn't get a dime unless he wins our case!) scared the living hell out of me, telling me that "loose lips sink ships" about thirty times. after that and the judging, complete with the lady typing up everything, my lawyer and this guy who i knew nothing about being the educational and vocational specialist. HE ended up being the one who, after being asked if there would be a job i could do given my physical and mental issues, my medication such as morphine daily that clouds my thinking, etc. etc. blah damn blah, said "NO!" thank god for whoever the heck that guy was. i feel like i should send him a thank you note, a case of beer, or a muffin basket.
so two weeks after, we find out i did get it, and now, when i should be happy, and i am, but i'm not. i woke up this morning freaking out with a feeling of finality of my life. this is my life??? this is the gritty not witty life now? i'm free to not work, to not add or subtract anything really into this world of ours? really? i don't know how to feel about any of this. yay-thank god money will be coming in and going to my parents to pay for insurance, medication, food, etc., but other than that i feel like (as ryan adams the singer/songwriter says) a scratched out name. ok, wittygritty is scratched off as a girl that can now add something to humanity. and she gets paid for it so to speak. what the frak?
thanksgiving is upon us, and right now other than the usual thankful for family, and for my dear adorable liz, who writes me and makes me laugh, and my fibro friends and normal friends on facebook, i'm mainly thankful that i have music, like the lovely "florence and the machine" i am listening to now, or "mumford and sons", and the other new fantastic folk music i'm digging lately. is that shallow? i've been a crap pen pal friend lately. i've been a decent human being in that i didn't check out. that counts, right?
i'm thankful that even though i had non-stop ringing in my ears, i only had moderate hearing loss as i found out from the hearing center. that hurt-fibromyalgia took part of my hearing and left ringing-idiot fibro. hit me where it hurts man! i'm thankful the polyp taken out of my colon wasn't cancerous. i'm thankful during the procedure they agreed to put me totally under. i'm thankful that zoe the cat made it to her 15th birthday, and though she has lost half her body weight, she only has a bad thyroid, which requires me dodging sharp lethal teeth and half throwing-half pushing a pill down her throat, then waiting to see if she actually swallowed and didn't hide it under her tongue to spit out later. i'm thankful i have chai bunny-who keeps me full of joy, her need for petting and needing me to lick and chin me marking me as hers. i'm so thankful for my open mind. i've meet a lot of very closed minded people this year, and thank god i got them out of my life...and i hate confrontation! i was able to do it as nicely as possible... : 0
thanks for reading this-if anyone does. xoxoxo, wittygrittyinvisible marnie
