Bunny flop

Rabbits, whether in your house or in the wild, will in complete abandon flop on their side next to another rabbit, or in this case, a bunny slipper I used to wear. Chai bunny, my dear sweet bunny, when she knows she is totally safe will hop in a circle around the stuffed rabbit of her affection & then after licking it will flop on her side, sometimes so hard she ends up on her back with her paws up until gravity pulls her back down. Without a care in the world she will lie there, licking away at the bunny before she finally gets on her stomach & goes to sleep.



I can only dream of a day that with no worries, no or little pain, I can flop with complete abandon, & lick, kiss, or hug my substitute for a stuffed bunny love & fall asleep knowing I am totally safe.



Things I'm digging this week:
*Catching up on 'True Blood' season 3
*The gorgeous hydrangeas in our yard

Things I'd like to take a shovel to...
*Insurance not covering crucial meds for my bone loss
*Droughts...I hate when it doesn't rain for much too long

Seed me:
*I really want to learn to play chess

Randomly
*I can't wait for tonight-'The Killing' & then 'Game of Thrones'

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:My room watching the floor

Technology & dreamland

My dad & I had a discussion about how the power of technology was scary to him...the amount of power it wielded. I understood his points, but then I told him what technology had done for me in the past 24 hours. I had been stranded in a snowy mountain inn, & survived. I was in the middle of the desert & saw what stars really looked like without a town around. I had zip lined, jumped over walls & objects in a game called 'Mirror's Edge', & had run faster & more purely than my own body has been able to do in at least a decade. He had seen me earlier, in so much pain it hurt to breathe. I was getting ice packs, & later, having this conversation, I told him that minus the ice & pain meds, technology was able to take my focus from the pain to the places mentioned above. He then honestly confessed he had never thought of it that way.




All of us dream, but many don't remember our dreams. I would pay anything I had to not remember the hellish things I dream about. My neurologist tells me that they are stress & anxiety dreams. All I know is that at times, Chai bunny will thump to wake me up as I am talking, crying, even half-screaming in my sleep. Tonight I dreamed I had come 'home' & found my cat, who has been dead now since February 1st, dead inside a snake's stomach, & it was my fault because somehow I had not been home in time to care for them, & that my other pets I had in this dream were either starving, without water or food or were also being eaten in front of my eyes by snakes...unless they were already withered up & dead. In the dream I was trying to pull out my live pets out of the snake's mouth, while trying to not get bitten, not for my own safety but so that I could rescue them all & get them to food, water, & safety. I know that this is coming from 1-my fear of what will happen to me or 2-that my life & health are so out of control that I'm drowning.



I hate going to sleep now. I can't remember the last time I haven't remembered my dreams or had a normal one. If I don't sleep my fibromyalgia gets worse, but if I do, well, you have an example of what happens. I'm so thankful that after I do wake up, I can grab my iPad & try to just melt away, into some game's life or a gripping movie that promises not to let go of me.

Things I'm digging:
*Sales on games to give all my abandon to on a holiday weekend
*All those who gave or are giving their lives in the military...my pain is nothing in comparison

Things I'd like to take a shovel to:
*Fear, stress, & that whole lot

Seed me:
*Can't wait to catch up on my civil war app, & really get a day by day account

Randomly
*Who doesn't love holiday TV marathons? Please let me find some good ones




-Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Bed

Bows, bunnies, & bagged ice

After having a really rough few hours with mind melding pain, I turned to ice for help...


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While I was crying & upset, Chai bunny stayed close by cuddling with her stuffed friends : )




Trying to keep my mind off the pain, I listened to an amazing album & there was a great song about bows that I fell in love with, & was quite pleased to find a tiny bow on my pjs (I'm normally not at all a bow type girl)




After hearing 3 more CDs, I started watching 'The Town'. Nothing like violence & bloodshed to take your focus off the pain! Ah, just a normal Tuesday morning for me & Chai bunny.


Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Bed

December 10, 2009

So last night was tough. I had so much nervous energy that I kept pulling out loose strings from my favorite Indonesian blanket and since it is over ten years old, it has started getting holes in it. I was watching the final episodes of the 2009 series finale of "Battlestar Galactica", and cried so much Chai the house rabbit started thumping and hiding under my bed. It may seem just ridiculous, but for me lately, many things seem to be ending. I've lost several friendships this year-one in particular the day before Thanksgiving-was crushing as I'm just not the same girl I used to be...I can't go traveling all over the world anymore-hell, I can't go out of the house hardly anymore unless it is to a doctors' appt. or something. My world seems to revolve around doctors, illnesses, morphine, pain, sleeplessness, TV, internet, flickr, facebook, Netflix, my cat and rabbit, and living under my parents' roof when I am much too old to be doing so. Mom and I seem to fight about nothing, dad seems to be losing his memory due to stress, and I live in constant guilt for putting them through the hell of caring for me. I try so hard to still retain some of the old me-sarcastic humor, laughing at completely inappropriate things, dreaming of the future, etc. etc. etc., but during the holdiays it becomes a lot harder to do. For many like me it is the same-to be in pain all the time-to not be able to do much or anything in a world where you see holiday shopping and all that-and I don't have any income to even buy anyone I love gifts, it just sucks. As "Battlestar" would say, it frakking sucks. Man I am a downer. One funny thing-I got my first Christmas card yesterday-a card just sent to me-not to my parents and my name tacked on at the end-and I was waiting to open it-I just wanted to hold a piece of holiday surprise a bit longer-and Chai bunny (while I was sleeping) got the envelope and chewed open the end like a little letter opener...so I got to read it when I woke up around 3 PM. Here are a couple of pics from last night and this afternoon...more soon, the witty gritty invisible girl. xxx