Bunny flop

Rabbits, whether in your house or in the wild, will in complete abandon flop on their side next to another rabbit, or in this case, a bunny slipper I used to wear. Chai bunny, my dear sweet bunny, when she knows she is totally safe will hop in a circle around the stuffed rabbit of her affection & then after licking it will flop on her side, sometimes so hard she ends up on her back with her paws up until gravity pulls her back down. Without a care in the world she will lie there, licking away at the bunny before she finally gets on her stomach & goes to sleep.



I can only dream of a day that with no worries, no or little pain, I can flop with complete abandon, & lick, kiss, or hug my substitute for a stuffed bunny love & fall asleep knowing I am totally safe.



Things I'm digging this week:
*Catching up on 'True Blood' season 3
*The gorgeous hydrangeas in our yard

Things I'd like to take a shovel to...
*Insurance not covering crucial meds for my bone loss
*Droughts...I hate when it doesn't rain for much too long

Seed me:
*I really want to learn to play chess

Randomly
*I can't wait for tonight-'The Killing' & then 'Game of Thrones'

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:My room watching the floor

Technology & dreamland

My dad & I had a discussion about how the power of technology was scary to him...the amount of power it wielded. I understood his points, but then I told him what technology had done for me in the past 24 hours. I had been stranded in a snowy mountain inn, & survived. I was in the middle of the desert & saw what stars really looked like without a town around. I had zip lined, jumped over walls & objects in a game called 'Mirror's Edge', & had run faster & more purely than my own body has been able to do in at least a decade. He had seen me earlier, in so much pain it hurt to breathe. I was getting ice packs, & later, having this conversation, I told him that minus the ice & pain meds, technology was able to take my focus from the pain to the places mentioned above. He then honestly confessed he had never thought of it that way.




All of us dream, but many don't remember our dreams. I would pay anything I had to not remember the hellish things I dream about. My neurologist tells me that they are stress & anxiety dreams. All I know is that at times, Chai bunny will thump to wake me up as I am talking, crying, even half-screaming in my sleep. Tonight I dreamed I had come 'home' & found my cat, who has been dead now since February 1st, dead inside a snake's stomach, & it was my fault because somehow I had not been home in time to care for them, & that my other pets I had in this dream were either starving, without water or food or were also being eaten in front of my eyes by snakes...unless they were already withered up & dead. In the dream I was trying to pull out my live pets out of the snake's mouth, while trying to not get bitten, not for my own safety but so that I could rescue them all & get them to food, water, & safety. I know that this is coming from 1-my fear of what will happen to me or 2-that my life & health are so out of control that I'm drowning.



I hate going to sleep now. I can't remember the last time I haven't remembered my dreams or had a normal one. If I don't sleep my fibromyalgia gets worse, but if I do, well, you have an example of what happens. I'm so thankful that after I do wake up, I can grab my iPad & try to just melt away, into some game's life or a gripping movie that promises not to let go of me.

Things I'm digging:
*Sales on games to give all my abandon to on a holiday weekend
*All those who gave or are giving their lives in the military...my pain is nothing in comparison

Things I'd like to take a shovel to:
*Fear, stress, & that whole lot

Seed me:
*Can't wait to catch up on my civil war app, & really get a day by day account

Randomly
*Who doesn't love holiday TV marathons? Please let me find some good ones




-Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Bed

the dog days AREN'T over...

so yay! i went to evil disability court with a real federal judge, sitting up high on the cliched scary platform, sat white knuckled kneed and ankled in fear, and answered all the questions as best as i could...after my lawyer (who doesn't get a dime unless he wins our case!) scared the living hell out of me, telling me that "loose lips sink ships" about thirty times. after that and the judging, complete with the lady typing up everything, my lawyer and this guy who i knew nothing about being the educational and vocational specialist. HE ended up being the one who, after being asked if there would be a job i could do given my physical and mental issues, my medication such as morphine daily that clouds my thinking, etc. etc. blah damn blah, said "NO!" thank god for whoever the heck that guy was. i feel like i should send him a thank you note, a case of beer, or a muffin basket.

so two weeks after, we find out i did get it, and now, when i should be happy, and i am, but i'm not. i woke up this morning freaking out with a feeling of finality of my life. this is my life??? this is the gritty not witty life now? i'm free to not work, to not add or subtract anything really into this world of ours? really? i don't know how to feel about any of this. yay-thank god money will be coming in and going to my parents to pay for insurance, medication, food, etc., but other than that i feel like (as ryan adams the singer/songwriter says) a scratched out name. ok, wittygritty is scratched off as a girl that can now add something to humanity. and she gets paid for it so to speak. what the frak?

thanksgiving is upon us, and right now other than the usual thankful for family, and for my dear adorable liz, who writes me and makes me laugh, and my fibro friends and normal friends on facebook, i'm mainly thankful that i have music, like the lovely "florence and the machine" i am listening to now, or "mumford and sons", and the other new fantastic folk music i'm digging lately. is that shallow? i've been a crap pen pal friend lately. i've been a decent human being in that i didn't check out. that counts, right?

i'm thankful that even though i had non-stop ringing in my ears, i only had moderate hearing loss as i found out from the hearing center. that hurt-fibromyalgia took part of my hearing and left ringing-idiot fibro. hit me where it hurts man! i'm thankful the polyp taken out of my colon wasn't cancerous. i'm thankful during the procedure they agreed to put me totally under. i'm thankful that zoe the cat made it to her 15th birthday, and though she has lost half her body weight, she only has a bad thyroid, which requires me dodging sharp lethal teeth and half throwing-half pushing a pill down her throat, then waiting to see if she actually swallowed and didn't hide it under her tongue to spit out later. i'm thankful i have chai bunny-who keeps me full of joy, her need for petting and needing me to lick and chin me marking me as hers. i'm so thankful for my open mind. i've meet a lot of very closed minded people this year, and thank god i got them out of my life...and i hate confrontation! i was able to do it as nicely as possible... : 0

thanks for reading this-if anyone does. xoxoxo, wittygrittyinvisible marnie