Bunny flop

Rabbits, whether in your house or in the wild, will in complete abandon flop on their side next to another rabbit, or in this case, a bunny slipper I used to wear. Chai bunny, my dear sweet bunny, when she knows she is totally safe will hop in a circle around the stuffed rabbit of her affection & then after licking it will flop on her side, sometimes so hard she ends up on her back with her paws up until gravity pulls her back down. Without a care in the world she will lie there, licking away at the bunny before she finally gets on her stomach & goes to sleep.



I can only dream of a day that with no worries, no or little pain, I can flop with complete abandon, & lick, kiss, or hug my substitute for a stuffed bunny love & fall asleep knowing I am totally safe.



Things I'm digging this week:
*Catching up on 'True Blood' season 3
*The gorgeous hydrangeas in our yard

Things I'd like to take a shovel to...
*Insurance not covering crucial meds for my bone loss
*Droughts...I hate when it doesn't rain for much too long

Seed me:
*I really want to learn to play chess

Randomly
*I can't wait for tonight-'The Killing' & then 'Game of Thrones'

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:My room watching the floor

Technology & dreamland

My dad & I had a discussion about how the power of technology was scary to him...the amount of power it wielded. I understood his points, but then I told him what technology had done for me in the past 24 hours. I had been stranded in a snowy mountain inn, & survived. I was in the middle of the desert & saw what stars really looked like without a town around. I had zip lined, jumped over walls & objects in a game called 'Mirror's Edge', & had run faster & more purely than my own body has been able to do in at least a decade. He had seen me earlier, in so much pain it hurt to breathe. I was getting ice packs, & later, having this conversation, I told him that minus the ice & pain meds, technology was able to take my focus from the pain to the places mentioned above. He then honestly confessed he had never thought of it that way.




All of us dream, but many don't remember our dreams. I would pay anything I had to not remember the hellish things I dream about. My neurologist tells me that they are stress & anxiety dreams. All I know is that at times, Chai bunny will thump to wake me up as I am talking, crying, even half-screaming in my sleep. Tonight I dreamed I had come 'home' & found my cat, who has been dead now since February 1st, dead inside a snake's stomach, & it was my fault because somehow I had not been home in time to care for them, & that my other pets I had in this dream were either starving, without water or food or were also being eaten in front of my eyes by snakes...unless they were already withered up & dead. In the dream I was trying to pull out my live pets out of the snake's mouth, while trying to not get bitten, not for my own safety but so that I could rescue them all & get them to food, water, & safety. I know that this is coming from 1-my fear of what will happen to me or 2-that my life & health are so out of control that I'm drowning.



I hate going to sleep now. I can't remember the last time I haven't remembered my dreams or had a normal one. If I don't sleep my fibromyalgia gets worse, but if I do, well, you have an example of what happens. I'm so thankful that after I do wake up, I can grab my iPad & try to just melt away, into some game's life or a gripping movie that promises not to let go of me.

Things I'm digging:
*Sales on games to give all my abandon to on a holiday weekend
*All those who gave or are giving their lives in the military...my pain is nothing in comparison

Things I'd like to take a shovel to:
*Fear, stress, & that whole lot

Seed me:
*Can't wait to catch up on my civil war app, & really get a day by day account

Randomly
*Who doesn't love holiday TV marathons? Please let me find some good ones




-Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Bed

Bows, bunnies, & bagged ice

After having a really rough few hours with mind melding pain, I turned to ice for help...


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While I was crying & upset, Chai bunny stayed close by cuddling with her stuffed friends : )




Trying to keep my mind off the pain, I listened to an amazing album & there was a great song about bows that I fell in love with, & was quite pleased to find a tiny bow on my pjs (I'm normally not at all a bow type girl)




After hearing 3 more CDs, I started watching 'The Town'. Nothing like violence & bloodshed to take your focus off the pain! Ah, just a normal Tuesday morning for me & Chai bunny.


Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Bed

the day after christmas

so here i am, the day after christmas. yesterday was ok, just me my mom and dad-and the cats and chai bunny. i got pj's-as i don't get out and wear "real" clothes. half didn't fit. some too big, some too small. i also got boxes of tea-which is good, but doesn't that count as groceries??? anyway, glad to have it over. as i don't have an income, but made those angels for dad's work, i got other members of my family gifts with the $30 i made-i always loved buying things for people at christmas MUCH MORE than getting gifts-for me it was like a journey-or a quest. to find the perfect gift for the specific person was so much fun for me-and i haven't been able to do that for any holiday for 3 years now, so at least i got to get a little something for a few family members.

i won't lie-it has been a really tough, depressing holiday season. one branch of my family is moving far, far away, and since i can't travel, i fear i won't see them but maybe every two years or so. all of my siblings are married and have kids, and i feel i'm really just not doing much at all, and in the typical world standards, not being married-not having dated in four years-am i a disappointment? i don't know. christmas eve my neurologist/pain management dr. called and for the 2nd time in 5 and a half months, he will be gone for a month...which means my jan. 7th appt. to get nerve block shots is off-and those shots help me walk, have less pain, etc. so it wasn't a happy way to start new year's eve. my body is already hurting, and ready for the new shots, and now i'll have to wait until february. i feel so betrayed. he doesn't have a partner is his practice-so i'm just screwed. i didn't hear from my best friend-haven't since the summer. he can't deal with me being the "me" i am now, and he is still living overseas traveling to different countries all the time, so i just don't fit in to his plans anymore. it hurts. i hate feeling left behind.

last night i had to move a big tub of my bunny's food, as my dad had put it up so he could vacuum and clean the house-so now my back and shoulders are just aching-and the morphine doesn't even begin to help. i don't get it. i'll take a muscle relaxant-i'm supposed to take 5 a day, but they make me sleepy-and unless i sleep sitting up, it makes my back hurt worse...so what the hell are my choices really? all i can do is cry and try to escape inside my ipod.

that's about it. my brother and his wife and her son get in tonight-here is hoping that alcohol is given to me when they get here. he usually brings me beer as i never get anything like that anymore. well, a girl can dream, no? xxx wittygrittyinvisiblegirl

December 13, 2009

I haven't been doing much lately but sleeping and helping my dad (and the business he works for) make these paper clippy angels. I've had shingles, which I first got about 20 years ago-wow, the way I mark milestones...I can't believe that Christmas is a little over a week away. I got paid like $10 for helping with the angels, so I was able to order cheap but cool gifts for my parents tonight on www.etsy.com. I adore that site-they have the coolest stuff and you can find anything! I used to love Christmas so much because I absolutely delighted in finding the coolest, best, just tailor made gift for each person, and for the last three years I haven't been able to buy gifts for any occasions-the holidays, birthdays, Mother's or Father's days, etc. It kills me-I used to always go over budget getting gifts for my siblings, nieces, friends, etc. and now-I can't ever buy a card. I had to tell my mom I was ordering gifts and ask for her credit card so I could even order the stuff. I feel like I'm 13!

Since my nerve block shots last Monday, they have really helped in those specific areas, so yay. Some other news that is good but for me very hard and bittersweet to swallow has caused a lot of stress, which I think brought on the stupid shingles. And the news is about a relative-and I'm thrilled for them-but sad on many levels. I can't explain why until they announce it-so until them, mum is the damn word.

I feel so alone this year-losing two close friends due to me being sick really hurt, and it being the 3rd year I've been here somehow seems so much longer than 2 years. Not to be negative, but I see no huge treatment options that will suddenly change the fact that I will probably be with my parents for a good while longer. I'm lonely. I'm depressed. I miss going out with friends; dating; a first kiss with someone; having a crush; even just going shopping. I'm so lucky to have good doctors, clean water, all that stuff, but at times the loneliness overwhelms me and the holiday commercials just make it worse. I want to just lock myself in a room with commercial free TV, Netflix, Chai the bunny and Zoe the cat.

To those of you reading-if anyone is-happy holidays-and I wish you the complete opposite of every feeling I feel right now! I hate to be a scrooge for anyone else's holidays. xxx, witty gritty invisible girl

December 10, 2009

So last night was tough. I had so much nervous energy that I kept pulling out loose strings from my favorite Indonesian blanket and since it is over ten years old, it has started getting holes in it. I was watching the final episodes of the 2009 series finale of "Battlestar Galactica", and cried so much Chai the house rabbit started thumping and hiding under my bed. It may seem just ridiculous, but for me lately, many things seem to be ending. I've lost several friendships this year-one in particular the day before Thanksgiving-was crushing as I'm just not the same girl I used to be...I can't go traveling all over the world anymore-hell, I can't go out of the house hardly anymore unless it is to a doctors' appt. or something. My world seems to revolve around doctors, illnesses, morphine, pain, sleeplessness, TV, internet, flickr, facebook, Netflix, my cat and rabbit, and living under my parents' roof when I am much too old to be doing so. Mom and I seem to fight about nothing, dad seems to be losing his memory due to stress, and I live in constant guilt for putting them through the hell of caring for me. I try so hard to still retain some of the old me-sarcastic humor, laughing at completely inappropriate things, dreaming of the future, etc. etc. etc., but during the holdiays it becomes a lot harder to do. For many like me it is the same-to be in pain all the time-to not be able to do much or anything in a world where you see holiday shopping and all that-and I don't have any income to even buy anyone I love gifts, it just sucks. As "Battlestar" would say, it frakking sucks. Man I am a downer. One funny thing-I got my first Christmas card yesterday-a card just sent to me-not to my parents and my name tacked on at the end-and I was waiting to open it-I just wanted to hold a piece of holiday surprise a bit longer-and Chai bunny (while I was sleeping) got the envelope and chewed open the end like a little letter opener...so I got to read it when I woke up around 3 PM. Here are a couple of pics from last night and this afternoon...more soon, the witty gritty invisible girl. xxx